Can't Sleep (Like Neil Diamond)

Salutations internet.

I am writing you this e-love letter because i cannot sleep.

I am sitting here, beneath my Texas Tech blanket and vaguely mexican comforter on a bare mattress pad idling away the witching hours listening to sufjan.

Today started off obnoxiously.

I was awoken at 8:15 to the sound of Chopdick's incessant barking. I ignored her, assuming that David or Nick would deal with that god-forsaken beast.

Unfortunately, that was not the case, and around 8:20, I was re-awoken by the sound of the doorbell.

I groggily dressed myself in a tshirt and shorts and ambled over to the door.

I was greeted by an elderly gentleman in jogging shorts holding Chopdick.

He explained that she was out in the street and he was concerned for her safety, he didn't want her to be hit by a car.

I feigned graciousness, but at the time half wished she had run away for good.

I crawled back into bed and decided to forgo morning church.

I was re-awoken by the doorbell going off again. This time it was 12:30 and David and his underaged mistress were answering the door as a different neighbor held a spritely Chopdick.

Apparently, the dog has discovered how to unlatch the back gate, this must prove some intelligence, but i haven't seen any evidence of it.

I eventually got up for real at 2:30 and our shower was broken.

I have been unusually anxious lately.

I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I'm supposed to find out if UT accepted me as a transfer by April 1st.

I don't know why, i'm perfectly happy here. Not nearly the angsty young man who threatened cyberspace with filling out a transfer application a few months ago.

I like where I am and I like my friends.

I think the best way to describe it is comfortable.

Not in the sense that it's comfortable because it's familiar, but comfortable in the sense that i know exactly who i am and it doesn't bother me, at least some of the time.

Last night, when debating whether to wake up for church or just go in the afternoon, I decided that i could probably take a nap at joel's.

And this is an oddly comforting thing, the ability to be so content around a group of people that you love and that love you, that you have no qualms about zoning out for an hour or two. It's a very simple thing, but also very nice, like a quilt or gravy.

(A side note: Seven Swans is probably the best album about Jesus ever written; it has been with me through many emotional times over my estrogen laden past year and it is proving a pleasant, brass and xylophone accompanied, companion at the moment)

Regardless, I worry about getting accepted to UT, and i think, if for no other reason, than a feeling of invalidation.

Sure I didn't work super hard in high school, but i did quite well on the SAT and finished 11th in my class. It seems overwhelmingly unfair that I was denied due to some unnecessary top 10% rule.

Some of this anxiety may also stem from my recent trip to Abilene to see a film that my friend Jordan had made.

The short was showing at a filmfest his university was putting on. It was a neat affair and I was especially impressed by one of the musicians playing.

This event was also interesting in that I encountered the woman who tossed my heart over the side of a cruise ship. The lovely Miss Claire was there and performing. We had found our seats and got up to grab a drink, and in david's case, snackles. And when we returned were greeted by a high-pitched and excited, "KYLE!? DAVID!?" hugs, and various and sundry pleasantries that always accompany a surprise meeting.

As I awkwardly escaped from my hug, Clare quipped, "I thought I imagined you." And, despite the fact that it was idiocy, i still managed to smugly muse, "Because you miss me," to Mr. Brain.

Little did Claire know, that not once, but twice, I had spotted her from afar in the venerable South Plain's Mall and scurried away quickly before I was seen. This is due partly to avoid an awkward meeting and mostly because I am a coward.

But the encounter was for the best, it made me realize that I had no real reason for being a ridiculous prick and avoiding her, so that tied up a bit of a loose end. I imagine that if I never spoke to her again it would be like the baby the Ryan is clearly having at the beginning of season 2 of the OC, but they never address after he leaves Chino for the second time, and error so stupid and glaring that Claire would have to turn into a lesbian to get KMB ratings up.

The one thing that is glaring about Abilene, and ACU in particular, is that there are many many attractive ladies. And I know, I go to a school full of women renown for both their hotness and their looseness. But the ACU girls had a certain appeal, namely, that they were all a little bit emo. They seemed like the type that would nurse a blogger whose heart had been wounded by his own stupid pride back to a relationship ready adult. (They would do this with lots of making out). I am fairly certain that one cutie with short black hair was giving me the eye after the show, I shot her that infamous Gregory grin. She probably melted.

I have been known to knock ACU for the fact that it appears to be mostly a glorified church camp, but I think it's possible i could have been perfectly happy there.

Back to my anxiety.

It was as I was laying in bed, almost identically to how i am now, unsuccessfully trying to enter dreamland and ruminating on short-dark-haired girl, that I realized that I had not been in a relationship in going on five years.

This struck me as abnormal. I have friends who have had equal dry spells, but they weren't really looking for anyone. I'm sure my rather devoted pursuit of a similarly devoted girl contributed, but still seems odd that I can't find a single girl interested in anything beyond basking in my wit.

It made me wonder if I would ever get married, a fear that i think has been expressed on KMB, but it remains with me. People aren't getting married til around twenty-seven these days, so if I go by the average i've still got a good nine years to hunt. Regardless, I find this worrisome. My plan is to go to Austin and charm all the shyly cute scene girls, but I can't do that here so there's no reason to believe a change of scenery will turn me into some sort of Don Juan.

Despite these obstacles, I do feel that things will work out for the best, which probably means I have a pretty great life.