It is time for sleeping, being outside, working, and moving back in with your parents.
This is my last week in the Magic Manor, and soon i will be forced to Magic Blog from my Magic Bedroom.
MM has been good to me. Despite being an ice-cave, it has provided me shelter from the elements and clint eastwood; as well as giving me a taste of that zany college experience.
I don't have much to say tonight my friends. The problem with updating so frequently is that I have less time to squeeze thoughts out of my mind-grapes or have zany experiences to document.
I suppose I will continue my high school saga theme at some point in the future, but they take a certain mood and a block of uninhibited time, neither of which i possess at this moment.
I usually break out KMB to absorb the catharsis that comes with writing neat words; but recently (other than the last essay) it hasn't had its usual soothing effect.
I don't know if this is because i have been burnt out of blogging, or if it's just that i don't feel that I have anything to say, or if i'm simply just too, not overwhelmed, more like anxious and befuddled to gather any sort of lasting comfort.
There is a new girl at work. I can't tell if she is cute or not. I want to her to be cute and I wonder if that is influencing my assessment to the positive or negative. It is difficult to judge the attractiveness of people at my job because we are forced to wear remarkably frumpy polos, and the new girl in question had her hair up and glasses on. I think she may have that 80s comedy hotness, whereupon, once the hair is let down and glasses removed she is attractive.
I don't have any assessment of her personality because i didn't talk to her, and more importantly, i only judge women on their looks.
(I just looked at the amount of text i have filled this box with and was immediately disheartened)
It's tough to write when you don't have anything to say.
There was a small get together at my house last night.
Joel and Stephen came over, along with a host of friends who left town to go to other schools, including a man i didn't mind seeing.
Not to discredit my lovely friends from over the state(s) but the only one who has really been mentioned in this blog and is sure to illicit at least a paragraph or two of text who was at my humble abode last night was miss claire.
I don't like being social with that woman. It bugs me, I feel like she ignores me, which could very well just be my own paranoid narcissistic delusions, but it seems to be true.
Why the hell am i writing about this? There is no upside, at this point my teenage heartache has been exhausted as a literary device, it's not like i'm unveiling any sort of new and exciting information. I sure none of you magic groupies care to hear anymore about it, especially since i know all of you in real life and do plenty sufficient bitching to y'alls faces. And, i don't think she does, but if claire ever got a mind to read this, she'd probably be horribly weirded out and think i was some sort of obssessive Oliver character. Hell, i'm writing it and I think that.
I mean, i have a theory as to why she gets so much press in the MB, it was developed when i spoke to lindsey during the formation of Sometimes I Feel Fourteen (not a link, just colors).
I said something that I found rather telling and may explain this pathological need to e-gripe.
As i was talking to lindsey i said, "It bothers me that i can write pretty words and it means nothing to her."
And I think herein lies the issue.
Kyle's Magic Blog was birthed essentially as an extension of a very long and personal letter that was written by me, to her, essentially a much crappier but probably more earnest version of the probably inevitable Year Twelve (A Prompted Reflection).
Long story short, she read it, it seemed to mean a lot to both of us, but didn't really change anything; at least not the way i want and had deluded myself into believing it could.
But that, plus my entrance into higher education made me realize that it would be a good idea to keep writing, and I did.
But other than the MB's stated purpose (to celebrate me) it also had an ulterior, not exactly sinister, and in its own way, beautiful motive, which was to try to get the pretty girl across the state to notice me.
I think we may have hit a breakthrough readers. (I think y'all need a name, like juggalos, something magic related, unicorns?).
Maybe all of my romantic frusturation is fed by magic blog.
It makes sense.
I wander through my pretty boring life looking for situations that could make interesting magic material. (Today i wondered if I found out i was dying in two weeks and wrote a book in the short time if it would become a perrennial best seller after i was gone).
And not like specifically romantic material, just material, just things i can write about and put clever parentheses after. Just things to say, in an inane little attempt to show off.
And I realized this last week but didn't vocalize it.
This is what I do best. More than anything. It's what I want to do best. More than anything. This sad little blog that produces the occasional quality joke is the sum and culmination of what I want to be known for and what I want my future to be.
And that's why I'm dejected, that letter/this blog is my best and final effort to get her attention.
I suppose i thought it would even the playing field. All of my physical faults are negated by this particular medium and i'm able to express myself more honestly and articulately than I ever could with my mouth. And the words last, even if they are stupid and goofy, they are forever honest.
So in my fight club fantasy land, all of these words, be they pretty, funny, or pathetic, are a 114+ page long awkward approach at a bar.
A super personal pick-up line that is about as effective as asking if she was hurt by her fall from heaven.
And even this semi-revelation/semi-confession is essentially meaningless. It's all just mental masturbation.
It doesn't help me in the practical.
After sebastian, stephen, susie, and lindsey read this, it won't have changed anything.
It will still be awkward between claire and I because she just doesn't care about me the way I care about her, and my stupid selfish jealousy will forever get the in way.
It bothers me that we interact so well one on one, but in a social situation i just feel like a horse's ass.
And KMB just exacerbates the issue, because all of the people around us know how i feel about her more than she does! (i wish there was a punctuation mark that was somewhere between a period and exclamation point in severity).
I just chase my tail, best friend -> love interest -> hate interest ->best friend -> &c.
Also, in our year apart she has gotten hotter, which really is just pouring salt on my heart.
I wish i was more mature, or could meet another girl to distract my idiot face.
| Advanced Global Personality Test Results
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personality test by similarminds.com
Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
trait snapshot:
does not make friends easily, secretive, introverted, reclusive, observer, dislikes leadership, somewhat socially awkward, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, values solitude, solitary, avoidant, ambivalent about fitting in, not dominant, unassertive, suspicious, prudent, unadventurous, worrying, weird, intellectual, frequently second guesses self
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