If I Were a Super Villain (A Fantasy)

I have often pondered what if would be like to be a super villain. A menace of the most maleficent kind. I bet I would be pretty great at it.

You may do some pondering yourself, and in this period of reflection you may wonder, "If Kyle were to proclaim himself a super villain, what would his name be, what powers would he wield, and what havoc would he wreak? (If you pondered this I would commend you, because you pondered in parallel structure)

Well, I am prepared to answer those questions as long as you promise not to betray my secrets to any potentially interested parties (CIA, FBI, Christian Bale) because I fear both clandestine organizations and men who yell at their female family members.

When choosing a super villainous name, one must reflect on the image one is projecting to one's subordinates. That is why I chose a name that not only reflects my magical background, but also my mastery of alliteration.

*Merlin Man*

I know what some of you are thinking, you are thinking, "Kyle, isn't that name a little too intense and graphic for a silly trip to the land of imagination?"

You people are thinking wrong.

I don't want my subjects mocking some ridiculous name like Dr. Doom when they are mining in the Frito pits of Juarez, they need to know who is boss. (Merlin Man is boss)

You may wonder what my main method of madness will be.

It will be riddles.

Like the mighty Sphinx I will pose the mightiest heroes of each town a riddle, and like Oedipus they will fall before the power of logic. New Deal, Hereford, Abilene, each will be subjugated to my will.

I will constantly try the psychological patience of my subjects. They will drink nothing but Capri Sun (both disgusting and made of plastic straw impervious material) and all of my correspondence will be typed in ALL CAPS.

I may or may not fashion some sort of death ray or kill beam or maim light.

I also to the liberty of creating some concept sketches of my costume.

For those of you not gifted with a wizard's looking glass I will take the liberty of describing the labels and details of the costume.

Boots of Fury
Jorts of Rage
Mustache of Riddling
Awesome Hat!

Now that my plan for domination has been laid out, all that I have to do is wait for a foe to defeat and then rise to national prominence. (I'm waiting Nicolas Cage)