Essays (A Ticket Out of Here)

I have completed my application for UT and have decided to post my essays for admission here, because it's a waste for them to be read by only one person.

The first is just the "Tell us about yourself," I borrowed heavily from a blog entry for it, because it works and wasn't too difficult.

A Charmed Life: The Kyle Gregory UT Admissions Essay (Topic A)

This is the second time that I have typed a response to the illustrious Texas Common Application “Topic A” essay prompt, in hopes of being accepted to the University of Texas. My last attempt was met, not with outright rejection, but an offer to attend one of Texas’ satellite schools and transfer to the Austin campus in the Fall of 2008; it was essentially the collegiate equivalent of a passive-aggressive note from a roommate asking for rent money, the message is clearly upsetting so an attempt is made to soften the blow with a distraction, be that an offer to attend a different school, or a charming purple sticky note. Unfortunately, for both my roommate and the University of Texas, neither method prevented feelings of anger and resentment. Exposition aside, I’m afraid that my life story has not changed much since my last essay, I’m still a suburban, middle class, white male who has never had to suffer any true adversity of any sort, except for the occasional grounding and archaic curfew. I’m Catholic, so I at least avoid the WASP trifecta, but other than that there is nothing distinguishing about my background, at least from a socioeconomic standpoint. I realize, even though the essay topic states, “The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities” but let’s be real, that is exactly what people use this essay for, it’s nothing more than an academic dog show for top 10%s to parade their accomplishments about like undergraduate Shar-Peis. I could do the same, I could remind you, noble reader, of my 3.9 GPA in high school, finishing 11th and top 25% in my graduating class, my twenty hours of AP credit, or my 3+ GPA and $25,000 scholarship at Texas Tech, but that would be tacky. I will choose instead to focus on this statement from the essay topic, “Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.” I appreciate the open-endedness of this request and will do my best to fulfill it admirably.

I find myself (as an individual) remarkably interesting, and you may find me trite and boring, but that is something I will have to accept. I am a Texas boy, born in Houston, raised in Lubbock, with brief stints in Colorado and Mississippi. My life goal is to be famous. Like a pre-teen girl, I still cling to that notion that I can do anything and be anything. I am going to graduate, already a cult figure due to the popularity of my blog and pieces in the venerable Daily Toreador (or Daily Texan). This will lead to a lucrative editorial position at a magazine in a cool city like Austin, Nashville, or New York, where my incredible wit, intelligence, writing ability, sports knowledge, pop culture savvy, and charming anecdotes will cause me to be labeled “the next Bill Simmons/Chuck Klosterman/David Sedaris.” At this point I will develop the wanderlust inherent in brilliance and travel the world (my expatriate charm will lead to several foreign women falling in love with me, and hopefully treasure!). During my travels I will have all sorts of experiences that would appear magical and poignant in slow motion and overlaid with Sigur Ros or The Shins tracks, and hopefully I’ll start a revolution (musical or political) and return home safely. Back in the States I will become an accomplished and successful novelist (brining prestige to my alma mater).
The fact is, I’m not the typical Tech student, I fancy myself a bit more worldly and believe that an education in Austin could help me reach my goals. I realize that you probably still don’t know much about me, other than that I’m arrogant and naïve, but I am hamstringed by the one page limit of the admissions essay, and thus incapable of encapsulating my remarkableness; please forgive this and please consider my application to the University of Texas at Austin.

The second essay is about, "An issue of importance." I chose to write about Dippin' Dots. Hopefully, my inability to take anything seriously (other than myself) will not make them upset

Dippin’ Delusional
America has recently experienced a year loaded with controversy. A heated presidential election, an economic bailout, and a war with no end in sight have rollicked the nation over the past twelve months. In the midst of all this turmoil, the talking heads, with their incessant and unhelpful punditry have neglected a real and pressing issue that has been weighing ponderously on the souls of the American people. Common folk are forced to meditate on this disgraceful intrusion every time they visit a mall, theme park, or other place of purported entertainment. I type, not of rampant poverty or the decaying sense of trust between fellow human beings, but an equally sinister and unaddressed plague. You have probably borne witness to this travesty yourself. You take a date out for a pleasant afternoon about town, only to be visually and aurally accosted by a gaily made up cart and its cheerful proprietor, shilling the “Ice cream of the future.”
For those unfamiliar with Dippin’ Dots, they are bb sized balls of flash-frozen ice cream purchasable for roughly six dollars an ounce. According to Wikipedia, (a very reliable source) Dippin’ Dots first began conning unsuspecting consumers in 1987. 1987 was 21 years ago, yet in 2004 Dippin’ Dots brought in about 34 million dollars annually, as opposed to the 225 million sold by traditional ice cream peddlers, Blue Bell. Either the Dot people are slow-playing us, or Dippin’ Dots is in fact, not, the “Ice cream of the future.” Yet, for some reason, this 21st century snake oil company is given a free pass by the media. Mike Wallace has yet to investigate these charlatans on 60 Minutes, and Olbermann wouldn’t touch the subject with a stolen corps of correspondents. It’s clear that all of America is caught in the grip of “Big Dot” and I’m the only man with the bravado to call them out.
The Dippin’ Dots fiasco illustrates the failure of modern media to focus on the real issues smothering America. Rather than expound on genuine problems, sensationalist, and quite frankly, idiotic stories, like “Flag Pin-gate” and Joe the Plumber dominate at least 16 of our requisite 24 hours of news. Whenever any issues of actual importance dare tiptoe into the arena of public discourse they are quickly diffused by the ranting of ideological zealots. (Fun fact: Obama’s middle name is “Hussein”). The self-righteous bloviating running rampant on American media outlets is effectively strangling anything remotely resembling intelligent discourse and discussion. The effects of this can be seen with the decline of intellectualism in the United States and the rise of ad-hominem vitriol on both sides of the party line. The era of Woodward and Bernstein is dead, luckily, O’Reilly and Matthews have stepped up to take their place, and con artists like Dippin’ Dots are taking the ineptitude to the bank.