Life has been consistent lately.
I thought that things were changing for the better.
The Magic Blog is pretty vital to my life in that whenever i write something in here it's like a pledge, a constant reminder of something that I have resolved to do.
So with the last real entry (the real one, about claire) I was feeling good, confident even. Maybe i'm not some hideous CHUD with no social skills or interesting qualities.
It was like by clipping those last emotional heartstrings that bound me to claire I could finally leave high school behind, and get into the meat of college.
I was like Bluthton, free to drift the skies of academia.
But recently i've just been angry.
Not angry, just listless, I don't know where i belong or what i should be doing.
I like tech, classwise and football wise, and i like the people. It's just lubbock.
I was having a conversation with someone and i put it this way.
but
i just need to leave this town
you wouldn't understand
no, i do.
but you don't
i mean on some level
but you don't have these ghosts chasing you reminding you that you were never what you wanted to be
I think that's the hard part. Every time i turn around or come home there's some high schooler that knows all about who i was for the past 4 years. And that's fine if you're the person who revels in your 4 years of glory and have no regrets, but i'm not that guy.
But i don't like who i was in HS, and college is a time to reinvent yourself, but i don't get that opportunity, because everyone knows who i was and who i am.
And don't get me wrong, i'm not some ridiculous self-loathing idiot, for the most part i like who i am, but i feel like i somehow misrepresented myself in my younger days.
In no real order, here are my regrets.
I regret that i didn't work harder in baseball.
I loved pitching, and that was it, but because i was arrogant and goofed around all the time i didn't get to do it as much as i wanted, even though i was good enough. I think i disappointed my dad, because he really wanted me to succeed and was really proud of me whenever i pitched. It's one of those things that's special because it was a bond that only my dad and i shared. I feel like i cheapened it by halfassing all the time.
I regret that i didn't try harder academically.
I always just assumed that I would get by doing the bare minimum, and then i got offended that things didn't work out like i thought they would.
I wish i had pursued more girls.
By essentially only chasing one girl i feel like i never developed the social skills to really talk to other women. The beauty of this scenario is that i never even really talked to the girl i did like.
I just realized today that if i look back on what brought me to where i am today, it was essentially laziness.
I just drifted around, hoping for the best, and maybe i let some good things pass me by.
I think i just now figured out that i don't know who i really am or what i want to be.
I'm like a john hughes movie wrapped in 19 yr old skin.
I think i need to leave.
I want to go to austin.
But i think i lack the sack.
What if i go there and it isn't any better, what if it's worse?
At least here i have friends, albeit friends depressed by their own situations, but misery loves company, and lubbock is the General Motors of disenfranchised youths.
At the very least, in Austin i'll get to go to lots of shows. People meet people at shows right? (i don't know)
I have a friend that wants me to go to Boulder. But i think the odds of me meeting a good God-fearing young lady up there would be pretty slim.
Let this be a lesson to you kids.
Don't get all wrapped up in one girl, cause when it doesn't work out you're just left twisted in a knot wondering how the hell you got there.
I just need time i guess.
Not angry, just listless, I don't know where i belong or what i should be doing.
I like tech, classwise and football wise, and i like the people. It's just lubbock.
I was having a conversation with someone and i put it this way.
but
i just need to leave this town
you wouldn't understand
no, i do.
but you don't
i mean on some level
but you don't have these ghosts chasing you reminding you that you were never what you wanted to be
I think that's the hard part. Every time i turn around or come home there's some high schooler that knows all about who i was for the past 4 years. And that's fine if you're the person who revels in your 4 years of glory and have no regrets, but i'm not that guy.
But i don't like who i was in HS, and college is a time to reinvent yourself, but i don't get that opportunity, because everyone knows who i was and who i am.
And don't get me wrong, i'm not some ridiculous self-loathing idiot, for the most part i like who i am, but i feel like i somehow misrepresented myself in my younger days.
In no real order, here are my regrets.
I regret that i didn't work harder in baseball.
I loved pitching, and that was it, but because i was arrogant and goofed around all the time i didn't get to do it as much as i wanted, even though i was good enough. I think i disappointed my dad, because he really wanted me to succeed and was really proud of me whenever i pitched. It's one of those things that's special because it was a bond that only my dad and i shared. I feel like i cheapened it by halfassing all the time.
I regret that i didn't try harder academically.
I always just assumed that I would get by doing the bare minimum, and then i got offended that things didn't work out like i thought they would.
I wish i had pursued more girls.
By essentially only chasing one girl i feel like i never developed the social skills to really talk to other women. The beauty of this scenario is that i never even really talked to the girl i did like.
I just realized today that if i look back on what brought me to where i am today, it was essentially laziness.
I just drifted around, hoping for the best, and maybe i let some good things pass me by.
I think i just now figured out that i don't know who i really am or what i want to be.
I'm like a john hughes movie wrapped in 19 yr old skin.
I think i need to leave.
I want to go to austin.
But i think i lack the sack.
What if i go there and it isn't any better, what if it's worse?
At least here i have friends, albeit friends depressed by their own situations, but misery loves company, and lubbock is the General Motors of disenfranchised youths.
At the very least, in Austin i'll get to go to lots of shows. People meet people at shows right? (i don't know)
I have a friend that wants me to go to Boulder. But i think the odds of me meeting a good God-fearing young lady up there would be pretty slim.
Let this be a lesson to you kids.
Don't get all wrapped up in one girl, cause when it doesn't work out you're just left twisted in a knot wondering how the hell you got there.
I just need time i guess.
3 comments:
i love reading your blogs. you should consider UNT, but i can see you at UT as well. good luck, man.
"but you don't have these ghosts chasing you reminding you that you were never what you wanted to be"
get outta my head, kyleface.
let's leave.
(........dots?)
loveyou.
Maybe you should attempt to get involved in something other than work and parties at Michael's house. Join a college group at a church or something cause right now, you're in danger of spending the rest of your life "working on a case." The Magic Blog is already starting to sound like a premature, Magic Mid-Life Crisis.
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